Elation and Frustration

I have been remiss in not updating sooner. My previous post is no longer valid. Sure a mother always faces disappointment that she must push through for her children, but in this case, my dream was not in vain.

At the end of May I get to experience the joy of being mother once again. I'm very excited and hope for health for my new little one. So far things are going well. :)

The frustration comes with the upheaval of my work. A fear is spreading that with change in ownership will come forced retirement. (A nice way of putting it.) With a new addition on the way, this is obviously a concern. I'm hoping things will work out in our favor, whichever way that may be.

I hope that we can make the best of what is to come.

Getting Past Disappointment

Today I faced the difficulty a mother faces in continuing on with life through the weight of great disappointment. This morning the final nail was driven into the coffin of a dream. After months of study and calculated effort I learned my last attempt to achieve this dream was a failure. And then I had to act happy for my children.

What made things more difficult was a radical change in schedule. Each time I gained control of my emotions another raindrop--in the form of disruption--fell.

I believe in signs and consider this to be a sign of my not being ready for my dream. I have another year to prepare myself to be worthy of this dream. As time goes on my chance of receiving it fades. I hope my resolve holds out and strength to continue keeps my despair at a distance.

I hoped to train myself to enjoy each day as it comes, but I fear only by looking forward can I make it to the next stage. My consolation is the holidays closing in. With them time will be fleeting and I must use each moment to gain the right to claim my dream.

That Wall

It’s difficult to fight against the wall that continues to keep you down, especially when you built that wall--albeit unwittingly. In time your body is physically weary. The mental beating manifests in visible wounds.
How, I ask you, do you train yourself to break through that wall; the wall of fear, of anxiety, of an utter disdain for the state of change? That wall advertizes security. It projects a false sense of hope and happiness. It promotes a feeling of complacency in order to protect itself from destruction.
The time has come to force my way through the wall. There shall be no gentleness in this action, no piece by piece disassembling. I must gather my courage, muster my determination, surround myself with faith, and blast through that wall and its stifling containment.
You are welcome to join me, or just to wish me luck. (I may need it.)

The Past Versus the Future

Recent events caused me to reflect on the reality of mortality. Perhaps due to my unconscious ability to compartmentalize (ignore) pieces of my life, I needs must find a time and place to force myself into pondering the items stored in my "Do Not Disturb" closet.

[It turns out this process is mentally and emotionally breaking. There exist pieces within me far too deep in shadow to uncover for inspection. Of those pieces I managed to uncover, few chose to embrace the light.]

As I climb back out of this "Pit of Despair," I tend to my wounds and embrace my new-found self-truths. Suddenly my world is alive.

Life is beautiful.

Hope lives on.

So Tired

I'm tired of the world today. I wonder how we made it growing up when I watch my children trying to live through what life offers them. Children are mean, but adults can be just as bad. I sometimes wonder if my sons view me as a bully.

In thinking on it, I'm not sure (m)any of us grew up wonderfully. We survived our childhood. That's all. I hope my children can survive theirs. I continually think I need to step back and let my children learn for themselves. Then I see what the education system is becoming and realize I am not the type of mom that can sit back and watch while my child is set up for failure.

Gone are the days when children respected their elders. It appears that, with that loss, many teachers are no longer willing to provide a wonderful education. Where are the teachers that will move mountains to help children get a great education? I know they exist, but not many per school.

I feel many teachers are becoming lackadaisical in their teaching methods. Perhaps they're tired from fighting the system's balance; too many students per teacher, not enough money per student. We get what we pay for.

Whatever it is, I don't see it getting better. If what I hear (an attempt to move away from textbooks) is really happening in the high schools , I'm worried of where they'll be in 5 years time when my oldest takes his first steps inside. I won't sit idly by while my children drown in a sea of incomprehension. Computers will take us far, but they are not infallible. A love of books will get us farther.

They say they're trying to make it easier on everybody. I think learning needs to be worked at if it's going to stick. Knowledge must be earned. On that same thread, if teaching was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. We're entrusting our children's future to these teachers. Are they handling that trust with integrity?

Something to Consider

While working on my farm--Farmville on Facebook--I noticed my avatar was missing. Ok, so there was a figure, but no features. It was as if a shade of my avatar was doing all the work.

Of course I put a spin on things, realizing life is much like my sadly blank avatar. Many(most)times we perform our roles without recognition, without praise. I'm now sitting here trying to remember the last time my husband even commented on my work around the house--that is without me pointing it out to him. I don't expect a thank-you, though one would be much appreciated. I just think it would be nice to feel appreciated by him.

The good news is that my children, though not always showing their appreciation, will sometimes remember to thank me. I'm thinking I should make more of these times. Let them know how important it is to hear thanks and feel appreciation. Of course, I need to remember to return the favor. With any luck, I'll turn my boys into wonderful husbands. (All right, so I'm not sure that really exists, but at least they can learn to praise their wives. That will be something!)

A Random Dance

I'm embarking on this blogging voyage more for my writing pleasure than any one's viewing pleasure. I believe I need an outlet in which I can give voice to my opinions without seeing the physical reaction of my audience--if ever there is one.

The title is a tip of my hat to the actuality of the different roles women play in life. Currently the hat dance I perform encompasses a myriad of parts: wife, lover, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, boss, employee, manager, cleaning lady, accountant, doormat, etc. All roles I take on in random order throughout my day and night. On occasion I cram on more than one hat at a time.

The information posted here is meant as a healthy outlet for my bottled emotions. Please continue forward with me in understanding, without judgment, and make sure you bring a grain of salt.